I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
