just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
