Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
