Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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