I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
