I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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