Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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