"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
