i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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