what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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