i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
