cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
