I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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