I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
