I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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