Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
