goodnight i made you a song goodbye
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
