I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I love having hate sex.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
