with your own penis?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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