I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
