I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
