note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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