I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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