I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
