I just cut my nipple shaving
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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