My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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