im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
We smell like vodka and hangover
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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