I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
