tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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