Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
