Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
