He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
