I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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