and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
