I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
