Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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