Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
