Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
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