I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
so let's talk penis.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
