I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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