Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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