I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
