Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
