I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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