My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Also, beer. Big fan.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
