I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
