I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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