at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
