I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Sorry my hands just texted you
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
there is glitter all over my balls
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