Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
