i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Randomize
